Two parts of my nature are warring with each other. One part, the part that lets me go with the flow and allow myself to be carried along by the whims of others is currently in direct opposition to the part of me that wants to do it's own thing. Though even that isn't exactly the right way of putting it. A better way to say it would be I am a rock in a river. I can just as easily sit there and allow water to flow around me, as I can catch sticks and leaves and use them to block the flow and flood the lands around me.
I recently started dating again, though I think I agreed to it more for him then for myself. I say this because I have nearly no feelings for him. I could walk away tomorrow and never speak to him again with no regrets, but at the same time I could stay with him and he would be happy and he would try to make me happy. I don't really know which would be worse in the end.
I really need to work on finding my spine when it comes to men and dating. Even when I say no, it becomes a yes. If only because it is less hassle for me to let them fawn over me and claim they love me rather than continue to fight off their advances. It doesn't help that this one is currently using the claim that if I 'really felt nothing' for him I'd leave and not look back. Like I am some how lying to myself about how I feel out of fear or some other emotion.
I am not scared of love. I am not scared of lust. What I feel is not something even related to such things. I simply desire not to be distilled into some sappy romance cliché. I am devoid of such interests. It is not that I cannot feel such things as I can feel love, I can feel lust, and I might even fall prey to them from time to time. However I do not seek them out, and I would be so much happier if everyone else would keep the trappings of their own loves and lusts out of my way.
